Sometimes we are hurt by the people closest to us. And sometimes that person is the one in the mirror! OUCH!!! I’ve been coming to grips with this heart-wrenching truth personally and it sucks! In a broken world of broken people we did what we needed in order to survive. But skills of survival may have helped us for a time, but could actually be destroying us today. What we learned to do around unsafe people, once upon a time, may have now continued as an everyday, everyone thing. Below is a short list of three possible reasons for your angry attitude and unhappy life.
- You’ve silenced your own voice; thoughts, feelings and choices.
When we deny our own feelings we neglect our own heart. Sometimes we silence ourselves because we’re afraid to upset people or for them not to like us. As a natural people pleaser this has been especially true for me! ugh! Sometimes we silence our own voice, because when we speak we’ve learned that they criticize us – so we silence ourselves to avoid the pain of criticism. We’ve learned to silence ourselves to make someone else more comfortable or to avoid the pain that will be inflicted if we were to speak up. But at some point, when we are not in that relationship anymore, or maybe not a child living under that household or not in that environment anymore, we need to stop using this coping skill because its not serving us anymore. We have become grown adults and have the right to our own thoughts, opinions, feelings, and choices and we are not inferior! But our confidence may be waning at this point and it may take some steady and consistent effort to learn to listen to our hearts again. To open our heart again. To speak up.
What to do? First we need to recognize that we may have coping skills that once helped us survive but now they are not helpful anymore. They are actually destructive! Its important and noteworthy to understand that as adults who have just been aware of this reality we now have the right to choose who we want to spend time and share our hearts with (safe people.) To silence ourselves at this point is to reject our soul and its making us angry, because we feel shut down and shut up. Put up boundaries for who you spend time with, how much, and what you divulge to them. Learn who is safe, surround yourself with those people, find your voice again and find yourself! Because, you’re worth it!!
- You’re giving yourself to people who don’t value your time, effort, or energy; YOU!
I have done this so many times with so many people; trying to earn love, approval, acceptance – validation. And it has stripped me of me. I kept thinking I could win their consideration through kindness and generosity; (manipulative) love. And then when they weren’t appreciative of my efforts or gifts I felt rejected, resentful and frustrated; angry! Then my next step was to “show them (twisted) grace” – Forgive their inconsideration and try again. Give again. Do it again. Give more of yourself and maybe this time they will actually love you or like you the way that you desperate for. It was a vicious cycle that left me feeling used and abused; like a victim. If you find yourself in this cycle, I feel for you!!! It sucks!! At the time I didn’t know how much damage I was inflicting on myself in this cycle by giving myself away to people who didn’t reciprocate. But the illusion is that we can earn or win love. The other illusion is that the people we are requesting love from can actually satisfy our validation and lack.
What to do? Put time and space between you and those who don’t reciprocate. It’s so painful to desire this sense of belonging and care from people who we hope are there for us. But we need to be there for ourselves. We must value our own time, effort and energy and be selective about who we choose and what we do. Do what is in your best interest. That’s something as a codependent, people pleaser we feel guilty for even considering. Shouldn’t we “love” those around us? Actually when I give to people who do not appreciate or reciprocate I am forcing relationship, which is not love for either of us. Start small and invest time, effort and energy on yourself; confidence, learning something new, or developing a good habit.
Perhaps, we should love ourselves so fiercely, that when others see us they know exactly how it should be done.
Rudy Francisco
- You’re trying to change or control the people around you.
Sometimes our motivations are hidden, even to ourselves. Why do we do what we do? Sometimes we genuinely want well for others and aim towards helping them. But in the midst of good intentions expectations and insecurity can lurk. Our deep need for love and acceptance can be hidden motivations. Have you ever been in a relationship that you wished were closer? Do you ever find yourself feeling used? Wanting to be closer with someone who doesn’t let you in or value your beliefs, thoughts or opinions doesn’t work. You can only be as close to someone who is “on the same page” as you. – In belief, values, and experiences. Trying to change people to be what we would have them be – is futile. Trying to control someone else is infuriating and a waste of time. We are not the authority over anyone but ourselves. Trying to change or control someone even in a seemingly “nice” way steals our joy, time, and energy.
What to do? Look in the mirror. You are worth loving. Your value is not contingent on someone else’s treatment or opinion of you. The only person you can change or control is you. This is where boundaries come in. Boundaries are for you, not the other person. They are meant to protect you. They are meant to help in your best interest. Are you considerate? Have you considered how destructive trying to change someone else has been to your peace? My need for acceptance and validation overshadowed my consideration for myself. I realized that I was not responsible for other people’s feelings, behaviors or the consequences of them. I am responsible for my own feelings, behaviors and consequences. Its hard to see that what we’ve been doing has been hurting ourselves. And really not honoring how the other person chooses to live. Loving others means we allow them to be who they are and do what they choose. Loving myself means I allow me to be true to myself, and make a good and honoring choices for me.
Take steps in overcoming these 3 destructive behaviors. If you’re like me, with codependent tendencies, it will take practice and faith! You will need to listen to your heart and pause in moments where poor habits want to jump in. I’m still working on myself and find it difficult to break ingrained habits used to cope from feelings rejection from a young age. But I believe, with God all things are possible and continue to pray and ask Him for help!
For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases him.
Philippians 2:13 NLT
