There’s a song out there called, “You broke me first.” And I’ve felt that song personally in my life in multiple past relationships. But the older I’ve gotten and the more I’ve learned about my own insecurities and personality I realize that this is, for the most part, inaccurate. God has spoken to me several different truths about our state of being – whether it be insecurity or confidence.
For example. What if… there’s a person who you have a relationship with and they’ve been acting like a jerk. And this isn’t the first time. There’s been a couple of times. Lets look at two general responses, points of view, or states of being.
- The Confident Perspective
Okay lets look at how a confident person might handle this. Remember this is a person who is secure in who they are and what they want. And what they will put up with … and what they won’t. A confident person knows the value of their time, efforts, and energy; their own value. They can spot red flags a mile away because they are solid in who they are. Different things they might think or say. Pick up and leave, not having an expectation of explaining their decision to leave, because their walking out is a statement that -hey, I’m not putting up with this behavior. For them actions speak louder than words and they live in that. They see the pattern. They see the disrespect, and pick up and leave. They don’t think twice about realizing their worth, and seeing that this person is toxic. They have automatic boundaries in place to protect themselves. This relationship isn’t worthy of my energy. I choose to keep my peace. I can’t control someone acting poorly or not in my best interest, but I can act in my own best interest. They move on, they move away, they leave… and don’t give it a second thought because they are not going to let someone else drain them.
The first jerk moment the confident person makes a mental note; this is a red flag. Maybe a bad day, maybe not, but I’m taking notice that this isn’t okay. Second time, the confident person, says – woah, not for me, I’m outta here, because this is probably a small picture of a bigger problem here. *They usually don’t take things personal, sees that person for who they really are. Realize the “jerk” person is not good for them.
Confidence is silent. Insecurities are Loud.
Kushandwizdom
- An Insecure Perspective
Okay now lets look at how an insecure person would handle someone who’s being a jerk. They might be thinking – did I do something wrong to upset them? What can I do so that they don’t act like a jerk to me again? I should have compassion, maybe they’re just having a bad day. Defend, explain it away, make excuses for the poor behavior. Try to console, or do something nice to change the jerks attitude. She might feel bad that the jerk is making these bad decisions. Try to love the “jerk” out of them. Think about it. Overthink about it. How can I make this better? What can I do? If they see how much I care about them, then everything will work out. I need to try harder. I need to do more. When they see how much I’m giving they’ll appreciate me and understand how much I love them and then they’ll love me back. They tell themselves things like- but they’re so great at all these other things. But I really like them. Its just one time. Its just a couple times. They said they’d change. They said they were sorry. And before you know it you’re in some form of a manipulative, controlling and abusive relationship.
Ignoring the red flags because you wanna see the good in people will cost you later.
The Minds Journal
How did you get there? You might say- they did it to me. They treated me badly. Which is exactly what I told people. But when you look at the confident person’s actions they owned what they could control and walked away. The jerk didn’t do it to them. Why not? Because they wouldn’t put up with it. They saw the writing on the wall and walked out of the house! They spotted the red flags and didn’t explain them away, but honored themselves.
Sadly, I can tell you that I resonate with the 2nd person; insecurity. And there are reasons why we are the way that we are. And that’s something I’m working through.
Do you relate more with the first person’s response or the second? Does this give you insight into your state of being, thoughts, feelings, and behaviors?
What I used to think was, like the song, that this jerky person in the relationship was responsible for “breaking me.” But the truth was, I had insecurity and low self-worth before the relationship even started. But the relationship just pointed out my insecurities. I also had experiences of multiple people being jerks to me and not being heard, not being defended, not being validated of my worth. So I learned to ignore my own feelings. I honored other people above myself. Tried to please people and get them to like me. I didn’t have self-worth so I tried to get it outside of myself from other people. I have had codependent tendencies. My mind would tell me – If I loved them enough, they would love me back. Then I would have the deep relationship I always wanted and live happily ever after and other fantasies.
Confident people are not desperate for attention.
mindfulnessinspo.com
I hope this helps give you insight to your behaviors in relationships. I’m not saying that people never hurt you or that you’re never a victim. But sometimes when we’ve kept ourselves in a victim role in multiple relationships, we may be holding onto self destructive patterns, that served a purpose at one point in our life, but not anymore. Of course, I’m speaking from experience and I’m a work in process! Much Love, Laurie
