In a culture that tends to be uncomfortable with grief, most of us struggle to understand what’s normal or how the grieving process actually works. We may feel pressured by others to get through it quickly or pressure ourselves to hold it all together. But neither one of those things is helpful. I’ve put a short list together and am giving you permission to do what you need to do on your own grief journey. You are allowed to be you. You are allowed to grieve your own way.
- Feel your feelings.
This may sound like a silly thing to say. But so many times we can stuff our feelings down inside to avoid feeling pain. But it’s actually more helpful to face our fears and feel our feelings so that we can honor our own broken heart. It’s okay to feel your feelings. Journaling is a great way to process and write them out. Find a time and safe space where you can express your feelings. This is one part of the healing process in grief.
- Take the time you need for your grief journey. Make and take time to grieve. Set aside when you have time.
As I mentioned before because we are uncomfortable with grieving in general it can be easy to try to rush the process. But unfortunately, grief is its own beast and we need to go through the process for as long as it takes. It’s different for each person and each loss. For some people its a good idea to schedule a time each day to journal or process through feelings. Especially since avoiding it all together could cause an unexpected breakdown at an inconvenient time.
For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven. A time to cry and a time to laugh, A time to grieve and a time to dance.
Ecclesiastes 3:1 & 4
- Don’t conform to someone else’s idea of grief. How you grieve this loss is your own right.
Nobody else is in your shoes. And the truth is, is that each person grieves differently and that’s completely normal and okay. You do not need to fit someone else’s expectation or timeline on your own grief journey.
- Don’t listen to or worry about unhelpful comments or advice.
It can be normal although frustrating when others make comments that are insensitive. Some very well-meaning friends or family may say something unhelpful. In these times you may have to say thank you and let it go and understand that they may not be someone that you can openly share with during this time.
- Give yourself grace. Grief is its own beast. Don’t put expectations on yourself or grief.
I remember wishing I could just snap out of it, feel good again, or stop hurting- but it doesn’t work that way. I wondered it something was wrong with me because I was still grieving. But unfortunately, we are not in control when it comes to grief. Each person goes through a process, and to each the process can look different. Understand that you are doing the best that you can and be okay with that.
- Self-care. Journal. Bath. Walk. Music. Cry. Rest. Water.
Sometimes in grief it can feel like we are just going through the motions and its hard to do take care of ourselves. But even if they are not enjoyable or don’t feel good at the moment its still important for us to go through the motions of taking time for self care. I personally like to journal just to get my thoughts and feelings out. Taking a bath or walk can be relaxing or good for the soul. Drinking plenty of water and getting rest when we can is important because grief not only takes an emotional toll on us, but a physical toll as well. Cry if you need. Listen to music. Whatever it is that helps you and is a healthy outlet in your grief.
- Speak up for yourself in an assertive yet considerate way.
I wish I would have known more about grief when I was fumbling through it. I didn’t know enough or have the confidence to speak up for myself and say what I needed or didn’t need in the moment. I’m giving you permission to speak your truth by saying something like; Thank you, but… “I’m not ready to do that yet.” “I’m not comfortable with that right now.” “That’s not the right choice for me right now.” “I’ll have to think about that.” These simple yet planned/rehearsed statements can help you in a moments notice. It’s okay to honor your feelings, timeline and thoughts by speaking what you need or don’t need.
