I have dealt with feelings of rejection for most of my life. As a child I was small for me age, shy and quiet. I was picked last in gym class and picked on in the hallways at school. I have felt rejected by the people closest to me and in groups who I thought were my tribe.
But one day I mentioned to my 18yo daughter these feelings. And she said something so profound, and it really resonated with me! And I wanted to share it with you in hopes it might speak the same encouragement as it did for me that day.
She said “mom, it’s not about acceptance, its about ignorance.”
I was like- what? Say that again!
Well, they accept you the best they can, the “you” that they know and understand. But – its their ignorance of knowing you completely and understanding you deeply – that makes you feel so rejected by them – thats where there is lack.
And thinking about this I realized the same could be true of me. I can only accept of them what I know of them and who I understand them to be.
We accept the best that we can, but at some point we just don’t “get” each other. It makes “us” feel rejected – but its a two way street. And our human limitations, ignorance, keeps us from this love and acceptance we all crave. I love this quote by Timothy Keller!
To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything. It liberates us from pretense, humbles us out of our self-righteousness, and fortifies us for any difficulty life can throw at us.
Timothy Keller
You’ll only be as close to someone as you can understand each other. Closeness comes in people who have similar belief, values, and experiences. You can only be as close to someone as they are vulnerable and transparent. It must be a mutually authentic exchange.
When the “page” your on doesn’t line up with the “page” that they’re on- there is ignorance.
But like Timothy Keller said don’t we all crave to be fully known and truly loved? To be chosen, wanted, supported, and encouraged in life. Completely accepted AND understood. YES!!!
God loves us like that! Our deepest yearning!
O Lord, you have examined my heart and know everything about me. You know when I sit down or stand up. You know my thoughts even when I’m far away. You see me when I travel and when I rest at home. You know everything I do. You know what I am going to say even before I say it, Lord. You go before me and follow me. You place your hand of blessing on my head.
Psalm 139:1-5 NLT
So all these years I’ve been feeling rejected, because of my expectation for other people to understand my heart, believe like me, related to my experiences in light of my personality, and know what only God does! My limited view and the trap of the enemy has broken my heart.
When others fall short of being there for us we need to be there for ourselves. Be your own best friend. Learn to treasure your own heart. Listen to your own thoughts and feelings. And stop expecting other people to have something that they don’t have. To be somebody that they are not. Our insecurities want to tag this “rejection” – but the truth tags it ignorance. And how do we know what we don’t know? We don’t! Let them off the hook. Let yourself off the hook. Accept yourself. Accept others as best you can. And don’t fall for the rejection trap!
