Today’s topic is very near and dear to my heart. And it’s a question that we can ask ourselves when we don’t fully understand or know why things happen. But also, maybe there was situation that we didn’t foresee and it can be easy to get stuck in a feeling of guilt and wondering. The question is: Did I do something wrong to cause this? Was this my fault? Could I have done more? It’s an awful wondering that pops into our head and our mind runs off with.
When I found out that I was pregnant with our first baby who was born into heaven we were getting ready to leave for a Colorado vacation. We decided to tell our other two kids along the way and surprise them. We had so many outdoor adventures planned together that we were excited about.
We hiked multiple times through Garden of the Gods. I was banned from Whitewater rafting because of the pregnancy, but the rest of my family went. To this day, I’ve never been. We ventured up Pikes Peak and I felt short of breath and the wooziness that can come at that elevation.
Then with our second baby born into heaven, I remember while I was pregnant we went kneeboarding on the lake and it was so much fun. Nothing happened, I didn’t get injured.
But the nagging question that can pop into our heads – did I do something wrong? I thought back and remembered the hikes. I remembered the kneeboarding. Was the loss my fault? Should I have avoided more activity?
And sometimes things happen that we don’t foresee and accidents can be the reality we live in. We can end up carrying questions, wonderings, quilt, shame; what ifs? Or regret, because we believe maybe, we could have done something different. And we carry this burden on our shoulders.
At some point we need to work through these kinds of thoughts and feelings and be willing to let them go. Ask God to help is- take any feelings of guilt, shame, regret… what ifs.
- We need to be willing to face our true feelings.
Sometimes the first step is the hardest. But its crucial in moving forward in healing. We need to be willing to admit that we could have- if that’s the case. Or we need to be willing to say- I don’t know, if that’s the case. Wherever you find yourself in this scenario there is power in speaking your true feelings and power in admitting that you don’t know. I could have? I didn’t. I don’t know? Regardless of what these words look like for you, theres freedom in getting them out of your head. I prefer to journal in times like this.
- Sometimes we need to let go of “why?”
We need to be willing to let go of the question that we may never know. And even if it was answered we might not accept it! I remember coming to the conclusion that our losses was because I was supposed to help someone else through miscarriage. While I don’t believe that’s a “cause” I do believe that some of our greatest heartbreaks can become our grandest ministry opportunities. Again, I concede with the words, “I don’t know,” and be okay with that.
- Ask God to help take this burden of guilt, shame, regret or what-ifs from our shoulders.
Lord, I need you to take this from me. I don’t want to carry this anymore. I want to find healing. I want to be whole again. I need help. Free my heart from this anguish and give me peace. In Jesus name Amen.
At some point I had to let go of what I didn’t know or understand, or could not control and give it to God to pursue healing. I’m asking you to try. Will you try?
I found so much hope in these words from God:
He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.”
Ecclesiastes 3:11 NIV
When the Lord brought understanding of this verse to me if broke my grief open and HIs grace poured in. I knew that my babies were beautiful, healthy, happy, and whole – just in a different place than me. And with this loss I had one foot on earth and another in heaven- it drew me to heaven closer than ever before. And lastly, we just don’t know or understand all of God’s ways or plans, but He is a good, loving, and eternal God.
I hope you found some encouragement today in knowing that you are not alone. I hope you will keep putting one foot in front of the other and pursue healing. God Bless! Much love and grace, Laurie
