Have you ever felt beat up by life? Or maybe relationships?
You’ve heard it said that your thoughts have power and self-talk is important. Right? That your thoughts can make or break your self-worth and esteem. Typically people with negative self-talk might use phrases like – you can’t do it, you’re worthless, you’re stupid or other defeating words. But this is not how I would describe what was contributing to my low self-worth and discouraged thinking. This is not how my thoughts beat me up.
I knew I had a problem, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. Hmmm. What was it???
My problem wasn’t that I had negative phrases that I spoke towards myself. What on earth could it be?
And then… LIGHTBULB moment – BLINK! BLINK! BLINK!
I realized that it wasn’t my own voice that was beating me up but I was being beat up- by association!
OMGoodness that’s it!!!
What does that even mean, you might ask?
Association means to be connected with another person or group, or related in thought or feeling.
You see I wasn’t having negative phrases come to my mind in the traditional sense, said by me, beating my own self up. Instead, a person would come to mind; someone who I had felt especially rejected and wronged by for a number of years and in that split second when they would pop into my mind – in that instant, by association, dwelt my defeat!!! UGH!!!!
And in that split second the thought of them, their face, their name- lead me to remember…
Laurie- you are unwanted
Hey Laurie- you are unloved
You know what Laurie? you are excluded
Laurie, we ignore you
Oh, and one last thing dear – you ARE rejected.
That’s what you are. That’s your lot in life. That’s YOU! (insert ugly cry!)
My feelings told me this, so it must be true- based on their behavior, I am ALL those things.
The thought of “them,” by association (my relationship… or rather non- relationship with them) – destroyed me.
I felt insignificant; like I didn’t matter. I felt less than. I felt worthless. (my heart was completely crushed)
Have you ever felt like this? Have you ever been there? Are you at this place right now?
There’s no pretty way to put it. It sucks. It hurts. It’s crushing.
Research Shows
“When you’ve experienced a hard rejection in your past, you may start to believe on some deep level that you are unlovable or unworthy.
Recent studies have shown that the emotional pain of rejection activates the same area of the brain that physical pain does; the brain area involved is known as the ANTERIOR CINGULATE CORTEX.
Also, emotional pain caused by rejection can keep coming back to haunt us, again and again, and again…we may even obsessively think about our rejection and the person who rejected us.” https://childhoodtraumarecovery.com
Can you believe it- Wow?!?! The emotional pain of rejection shows up in our brain where physical pain sparks!!!
NO wonder it hurts so bad, and even worse!!! There’s evidence of true, real pain showing up in our brains!!
Sometimes rejection in life is really redirection.
Tavis Smiley
Here Is How I Beat… What Was Beating Me
- I had a conversation with God and asked Him what to do.
And here’s what He told me: “If you forgive them, then their actions have no power of you.”
There will be no shame, no dragging around the words brought about by their behavior. All that you harbor, all that they did, all of your defeat… will go away. The power will be gone. And when you picture them it won’t bring those same thoughts and feelings. And shortly… you won’t even think much about them at all.
Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they don’t know what they are doing.” And the soldiers gambled for his clothes by throwing dice.
Luke 23:34 NLT
Ok so… I’m not even going to pretend that forgiveness is remotely easy. Especially when it’s someone you’ve felt hurt by for years. It can be down right painful! But THIS was also painful and destroying my peace, my joy, my days; me- I needed to do something! And I was very specific about what I was going to say; willing to say. I chose my words carefully – and I meant them. But I also sought God’s power to help me truly and completely forgive. And if you can’t yet… just make an effort to start somewhere. Ask God to help you want to. Ask Him to help you come up with the right words. Ask Him to bring truth, clarity and healing.
Anyway…
Here’s How I Prayed… what I said:
Lord, I’m done carrying what they did, their behavior around with me. I don’t deserve to carry the weight of this in my heart any longer. I should have let them own it, it was never meant for me to carry. This is their crap- not mine. Why am I holding on to their bad behavior? I’m done. I give it back to them. It belongs to them, not me. And whether they acknowledge it now or later doesn’t matter – because I’m free! I won’t let it destroy me anymore. I forgive them for it… and hand it ALL back. In Jesus name, Amen.
And guess what? It worked!!!
There is no power held over me. There is no threat to me because I let them own it. Their behavior is a reflection of their own heart- not mine. It’s not me. The thought of them now comes to nothing and the destruction by association in my mind has stopped! Peace and healing follows.
- I decided I needed boundaries with this person in moving forward.
The only step left is to make sure that I have BOUNDARIES in place so that this doesn’t continue to happen. PS- boundaries are for you; what you will and wont do. They are not for the other person because you can’t control what they do- you can only control your own actions and heart. And here are the boundaries that I decided to put in place:
- Physical boundary; for me about how much time I choose to spend with them and that I don’t chase after a relationship with someone who does not reciprocate and is not good for me.
- Emotional boundary; for me that refuse to allow their behavior to define my worth, lovability or loved-ness.
- Personal boundary; that let them keep and own their behavior; it’s their responsibility- not mine. But I am responsible for my own behavior and response.
- Spiritual boundary; that remind me to pray and forgive them for their issues and keep free.
- Truth boundary; that I know their behaviors reflect their own heart and issues, unrelated to me. But my response can show that I am confident and hold my peace, or I have hidden issues to work on too.
- Identity boundary; that remind me of who I really am, instead of what I’m not.
I am loved. I am secure. I am wanted. I am chosen.
I am a child of God. I belong. I am enough. I am accepted.
I know rejection affects everyone at some point in time; different seasons, relationships or circumstances. And it doesn’t matter what the details are… it hurts. But when we put our trust in God and move forward with boundaries that guard our hearts, we can be free of getting beat up… by association!
If this spoke to you or helped you in some way, I’d love to hear from you! Please leave a comment. And if there’s someone you know who could benefit from this blog, please share it with them today.
Be freed from being beat up by association,
Much Love & Grace, Laurie
PS Sorry about the water break! lol
