Let’s face it the HOLIDAYS can be a very stressful time of year. And I personally think, more than gifts under the tree or accumulation of more stuff- what we really need more of is PEACE. And Holiday gatherings are a perfect example of this fact. So today I would like to talk about the true hijackers of our happiness when it comes to Holiday Gatherings and what to do about it.
Traditionally we might think that “Hijackers of Happiness” are difficult people like Crazy Joe or Quirky Jane at the family dinner, work Christmas party or girls night out! Holidays drive anxiety to a whole new high!!!
But first let me add a Disclaimer: This is not about a person or situation to the degree of abuse or danger. You need to be safe if that is your experience. I’m talking about being around a person or people that push your buttons; annoy or frustrate. Does that make sense? …I’m talking about difficult people, not truly abusive people.
Difficult People
Think of your difficult person. What do they do that pushes your buttons? What do they say? How do they act? Can you picture them? Are they loud, controlling, obnoxious or immature? Are they arrogant or exclusive? What is it that they do that irritates or frustrates you?
Their behavior is like flying arrows aimed at your last nerve! All you want to do is string up your bow and shoot back at them! And not surprisingly shooting an arrow back wouldn’t stop the problem but adds to the drama and problems that they bring to any gathering.
Are Hijackers other people? Yes, I may reason, because their “bad” behavior has stolen my peace and ambushed my joy!
But guess WHAT? Other people actually are not the REAL Hijackers? Say what?!?! There will always be a difficult person, that’s a fact. So if we depend on our state of peace and happiness to revolve around every person being kind, considerate, and caring – it will never happen! It’s impossible. People have problems. And many times those problems within our own hearts ooze out onto those around us. So, if other people are not the true Hijackers- what is?
The Real Hijackers…
The real Hijackers exist within your own flawed thinking, deep insecurity and personal inclinations. What you and I do and how we operate as people is basically a human nature problem. And then, take into account each specific personality, the way that you are wired, your past experiences, coupled with coping strategies to in order to survive a troubled life that has formed into years of unhealthy habits- BOOM!!! … we have Hijackers of Happiness!!!
- Thinking You Can Control Them
The first Hijacker is thinking we are in control of other people. Y’all I have gotten this SO wrong!!! It’s like hitting your head against a brick wall! So many times I thought that I could kill them with kindness, win them with gifts and service and fix their idiosyncrasies. But all my efforts only made me end up feeling used and abused. I gave myself to people who didn’t appreciate me; a one-way relationship. I tried to help people who didn’t want my help. I tried to fix people who didn’t see a problem. I tried to reason with people who we’re unreasonable.
I was trying to change them, to make myself feel better. Their behavior relentlessly rattled my inner peace. And all of my tactics to control them only hurt me. It repeatedly damaged who I was as a person. I rejected myself in order to pursue them. And this is one of my biggest struggles; a codependent nature. Codependency puts a higher value on other people; how they think, feel and act. I was losing myself, my identity and worth – trying to make another person what I needed them to be in order for me to feel whole inside; worth, valued and loved.
Now I know that…
Letting go of controlling someone else and start looking at the face in the mirror is what is in your power. You will be so much happier and less frustrated. Thinking that you can control another person; stop them, help them, fix them, reason with them, convince them, pressure them, or change what they say or do is a futile task! But you may reason- it’s not right what they do, its unfair and just plain wrong! Maybe so but it’s your RESPONSE of thinking you can control them, and trying to do all the things mentioned above that is flat out Hijacking you!!! Because every time you point the finger towards someone else, whom you can’t control, and seeing them as the problem that needs to change, you will remain forever frustrated. You will be helpless, hopeless, and hurt! Your response to control another person or situation may be hijacking your happiness!
- Taking Responsibility For Their Behavior
The second hijacker is taking responsibility for someone else’s behavior. I looked at how they were treating other people and it was just plain wrong! I saw them not stepping up and helping out, so I helped more. I witnessed them being inconsiderate, while others paid the price, so I was overly considerate. I watched them be rude, loud and obnoxious and then I made it my responsibility and business to “help” make everyone else okay for their poor behavior. I carried the concerns of their actions on my shoulders. I carried the burden of their behavior on my conscience. Something I was never meant to carry; another person’s freedom to choose and the consequences of their own actions.
Now I know that…
It’s not your problem unless you make it your problem. How they act is not your responsibility. You are not in charge. You are off the hook! Let them own their actions. Let this be on them. You are only responsible for your choices and responses. The consequences of their actions are their problem. Trying to carry their burden of behavior may be hijacking your happiness!
- Taking Things Personally
The third hijacker is to take things personally. From a young age I felt different. I was painfully shy, small for my age and deeply sensitive. Like everyone, there are things from my past that have hurt me and made me who I am today; good and bad. Being overly criticized and taking it to heart, being picked last in gym class and picked on in the hallways at school, I learned codependency. Not knowing any better I took how people treated me and reasoned that their actions were because something was wrong with me. You may hear things like- the bully is really just a broken person inside. A critical nature is just how they are. But when you’ve had enough of those encounters and no one has been there to speak life into you, your self worth sinks. It felt personal. But the older I get the more I understand the deep brokenness of all people. We all fall short. We all have some kind of insecurity lurking to take us under.
Now I know that…
How people act and behave is truly a reflection of who they are and has nothing to do with you. Their outward expression usually shows their internal condition. Even though it can be tough, and it can feel personal – don’t take the bait, but instead rise above your own personal insecurity or defeating thoughts. Their actions are about them. But equally, your response is about you. Taking things that other people do too personally may be hijacking your happiness!
- Your Own Coping Skills
The fourth hijacker is your own coping skills. What’s in your toolbox? Everyone has something as a way of how they learned to navigate life. Some coping skills are good, others- not so much! For me? I have a first rate people pleasing nature that chases after other people’s approval and acceptance of me; thus validating my worth. Does it work? Never! But was that my go-to? Yep, because that’s what was in my toolbox. As a kid that’s what I could do. Another jewel I picked up was codependency. What is codependency? And here’s one explanation: Somewhere along the line, we learned to doubt our perception, discount our feelings, and overlook our needs. We looked to others to tell us what to think, feel, and behave. Other people supplied us with information about who we were and should be. It became more important to be compliant or avoidant rather than to be authentic, and we adopted rigid beliefs about what “should be.” We believed that if we could just “get it right,” things would be okay. When we “got it wrong,” our sense of security and self-worth evaporated. – Coda.org. Cleary you can see that this coping skill hasn’t been the kindest to me. I wasn’t even aware of it until fairly recently. But I reasoned, if I could be good enough, kind enough, and what someone else wanted, they’d be happy = my happiness. It didn’t work. My coping skills destroyed me.
Now I know that…
Coping skills are things we once learned in order to survive. But now that we are grown up we may need to turn them in for better skills. Anger, complaining and arguing are defense mechanisms. Trying to please others in order to change them is a tactic. Resorting to external comforts to alleviate your stress and frustration is a vice. Things like food, drinking, spending money, drugs and other vices can numb an internal problem and avoid the real issues. If you can relate to any of this, then your own coping skills may be hijacking your happiness!
- Triggers
The fifth hijacker is your automatic triggers. I didn’t even realize that my degree of reaction wasn’t normal. Past experiences of being bullied and my resolve to stand up for others who I witnessed being mistreated were a part of me. So needless to say when I was in a room with this person laughing, poking fun at others and joking – it wasn’t funny to me. It was wrong. It was rude and hurtful. I wanted to protect. I wanted to go Mama Bear on it! It’s not cute or clever. Even thinking about it now it gets a rise in my heart, but I know in my head this person isn’t malicious and didn’t mean it maliciously – they just don’t know any better. And honestly, I think with this type of behavior there is sometimes no reasoning, only that God will soften them in time. But my trigger is clearly an indication of past experience and unresolved hurt. My trigger is a sensitivity to the scars of my heart. And being sensitive is not a bad thing. But being triggered can lead us down a path of destruction for ourselves and others.
Now I know that…
What you are sensitive about may be your trigger. Unresolved hurts can trigger abnormal reactions. The behavior of others may dredge up your past pain. Annoyances and frustrations may be covering an underlying scar. Knowing your triggers helps you be prepared. You need to take a true inventory of any unresolved hurts or sensitivities. Acknowledging triggers and working to resolve past issues is important. Your triggers may be running awry and hijacking your happiness!
- Unrealistic Expectations
The sixth hijacker is having unrealistic expectations. Why do I keep expecting change? Why do I hope for things to be different, only to be disappointed once again?
Why did I keep giving myself; time, energy and effort to people who don’t value me? My hopes and unrealistic expectations lead me down a path of disappointment and despair. I don’t know why I kept hoping for closeness with people who didn’t hold me dear? I don’t know why I kept giving myself away to people who didn’t appreciate me? Except for the fact that I had unrealistic expectations and hopes that they would become who I needed them to be, if I just kept at it. Next time I see them, things will be different – I reasoned. They will treat me with respect this time- I hoped. I excused the behavior I was shown, and conjured up the behavior in my mind that I wanted. And so I kept expecting unrealistically. I kept believing in something that clearly didn’t exist – to the point of resentment, exhaustion and anger!
Now I know that…
Expecting people to be who I need them to be is not realistic. You keep doing the same things + they keep doing the same things = the same outcome. What is the reality? Well if you can’t change someone else for a different outcome, there’s only one possibility; change yourself. And that might not be the expectation you were hoping for, but it’s the one that’s available. Unrealistic expectations may be hijacking your happiness!
What to do about it…
- Focus On What You Can Control
But the thing that I knew is where I didn’t want to stay, and so I focused on what I could control.
Trent Shelton
Your Response is Your Power; Stop Making It About Them! Your only power is within yourself. If you keep making it about them, you will stay angry, upset and frustrated in what you can’t control. You hold the power to happiness! Are you ready to change? The ball is in your court. Knowing what you can control is the way to happiness!
- Adjust Your Expectations
Accept reality. Accept people for who they show you that they are. Don’t continue in a relationship expecting change or to change them. Gauge their character by their actions not their words. People are how they behave. Things will never be perfect. You have to be willing to accept the truth. Realistic expectations are the way to happiness!
- Let God Do What You Cannot
But take up the weapons of the Lord Jesus Christ, and stop paying attention to your sinful nature and satisfying its desires.
Romans 13:14 GNT
Internal transformation is of God. We can read books, work hard and give it our best shot, but eventually if it’s not on a firm foundation, it will fail. I have given it my best shot for quite sometime now, only to end up falling short and feeling discouraged. But there’s one thing that I’ve done over and over again that has made all the difference in my encounters with difficult situations and people. That is to turn to God in this way: Read God’s word aloud (as if a prayer, speaking it into my existence to resonate deep in my soul) and transform me. If I desire more peace, I read scripture about peace. If I desire self-control I read aloud and throw up a prayer on scripture about self-control. Wherever I’m lacking or whatever I’m needing – I find the scripture and read it, as if a prayer to God, saying I need your help with this.
There’s something about reading/praying God’s word aloud that is like nothing else. If you’ve never experienced it it may be hard to understand or you might even find it unbelievable.
What do you need? Peace, self-control or confidence in any given situation? What else? Courage or comfort? He has what you’re looking for. And I have found that being proactive about my response is far better than being reactive in my failure to prepare. This is my greatest help in finding the happiness I desire. The power of God is the way to happiness! *For helpful holiday verses to pray there is a link at the end of this post to get for your own free copy!
- Make a Mantra
A Mantra is a word or phrase that is to be repeated for concentration. It keeps us focused on what we know, want, or believe. It keeps our focus in a positive direction so that we don’t get off track. It’s a saying that helps us remember what is going to empower our thinking and beliefs so that we don’t keep falling for things that make us stumble.
There’s a thing called the 3 C’s in Addiction Recovery. But really I believe the 3 C’s are a smart way to live for everyone. They go like this: I didn’t cause it, I can’t cure it, and I can’t control it. What a helpful reminder about what is in our control and what is not! This is just one idea for a mantra. I suggest that you come up with a healthy, positive mantra to help you. I remember a woman sitting in AA who repeatedly said, “it’s none of my business.” When people or situations tempted her to frustration, her mantra reminded her of her place and what was in her control. Your mantra might be – “let it go” or “in one ear and out the other.” What will your mantra be? It could be, “God is with me, I’m okay.” A good mantra is the way to happiness!
- Build Boundaries
Boundaries are for you, not the other person. They encompass what you will and won’t do or tolerate. A boundary might be something like- I will not respond with my first thought, but give myself a minute to respond carefully. Or it might look like walking away, taking a break, or limiting time I spend with some people. It might be to evaluate my motives before I say “yes.” Or it might be to allow myself to say “no” and not feel guilty about it. There are all kinds of boundaries and I’m still working on mine. After years of not really having appropriate boundaries with myself in select relationships I’m still learning what’s good for me. But don’t be surprised if other people are upset with the new you having new boundaries! Don’t give up! Healthy boundaries are the way to happiness!
- Acquire Allies
Acquiring an ally is not in preparation to be against anyone, but to help you stick to boundaries and the plans you have set. A good ally helps you not feel quite so alone in this new territory of doing things different. They are there to be a kind face, an encouraging word or trusted friend. Trustworthy allies are the way to happiness!
- Be Done
Being done with the old way of doing things is the only way to get someplace new. You need to be done with giving their behavior the power to frustrate you, or ruin your peace and joy. Be done with obsessing over what they’ve done in the past, and be done with imagining what they’re going to do at the next gathering. You and I need to be done with worrying about something and someone that we can’t control. It wastes so much time. It steals so much peace. It robs our potential of what we could be doing instead of thinking about them. When we are finally done, then doors open to greener pastures and better days. Being done is the way to happiness!
Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.
Ephesians 6:10-17 NIV
Some Final Thoughts
It pays to be proactive in our response. Hijackers come in plain sight on unsuspecting people. But if we are prepared we can overcome them! Peace is proactive, fear and insecurity are reactive. Controlling and manipulative behaviors are fear-based behaviors. Trying to control another person or situation is pointless and comes to hijack your own happiness!
If you would like the scripture that I talked about in help #3 click on this link and fill out the form. https://myloveandgrace.com/contact
Happiest of Holidays!
*Watch the video below.
My Love & Grace, Laurie
