Realistic Expectations
I think one of the most difficult aspects of whatever we walk through in life is to feel cornered by unrealistic expectations. It may be our first time; we are inexperienced and uncertain about the “right” way to go about it. The expectations of others or even ourselves trip us up. What “should” I do? What’s acceptable? What’s appropriate? We can feel uncertain and powerless. And let’s face it, the holidays can already be stressful!
Am I doing it right?
Powerlessness in grief feels like – not knowing how it’s supposed to go, how it’s supposed to be done or how long it will last.
Is this normal? What is “normal” – really?
I hope you will be empowered on your grief journey during the holidays with a few nuggets that I have learned along the way. Take what you need, and forget the rest.
- Do What’s Right For You
One of the most empowering kindnesses towards yourself is to know your truth and live it. Nobody else is in your shoes. Nobody else has your experiences. And nobody is made like you.
Your grief is your own journey and you can do what’s right for you. If that means you come late or leave early at that holiday party, that’s okay. You’re welcome to tell people that you are planning on coming, and if that changes and you can’t bring yourself to it, you have permission to change your mind.
It’s completely acceptable to speak your truth and say, “I’m not comfortable with this right now” or “no thank you” or “thanks for your concern, I’ll think about it.” There is nothing wrong with speaking up for yourself or respectfully declining another’s perspective or opinion. Everyone grieves differently and what is helpful to one, might not be helpful to another, and that’s okay. Be honest in what you need and want or don’t. It’s fine to take a break, but try not to pull out of everything all together. You may be just going through the motions right now and it might not be as enjoyable as it once was, but its okay to just go through the motions at this time.
Grief affects the whole body. It can rob you of remembering, exhaust your emotions and steal your strength. Though your feelings may exhaust you, pretending like they are not real or avoiding them, surprisingly only extends and exacerbates grief. Make and take time to feel your feelings even if it’s a scheduled few minutes of journaling before that holiday function. And don’t be surprised by feelings of anger, jealousy, guilt or resentment that may pop up. You are not alone in having these kinds of emotions ambush you. Acknowledge them and ask God for help in facing and releasing them.
Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.
Matthew 5:4
Self-care during grief is really important. If that means adding a few things in your day for self-care like walking, journaling, reading your bible, relaxing, or a quiet time to think or cry that’s perfectly fine. Do what is best for you.
Grief lasts… as long as it lasts; unfortunately there are no holiday breaks for grief! It can last days, months or for many years. The length of grief doesn’t substantiate the amount of love you had for another. It also doesn’t mean that anything is wrong with you for grieving a longer amount of time. And grief from a loss 20 years ago is still valid. If you feel it, then its valid. Although there are some practices or skills that can help on a grief journey, there is no perfect formula for overcoming grief; it’s a process. You’re learning as you go and doing the best you can; give grace to yourself. It’s okay to not be okay right now.
- Allow Emotions To Coexist
Grief and joy can and do coexist. Sometimes when we are grieving the loss of a loved one we think that when we have a moment of joy or laugh at something silly we are somehow betraying them. We think that our sorrow equals the love we have for them. And it’s true that grief is an outward expression of our broken heart. But experiencing joy doesn’t take away, but only adds to the complexity of our human existence. Joy and sorrow can and do coexist. It’s perfectly normal to be in grief and have a moment of joy. It’s normal to laugh at a joke and still have sadness in your heart. We can have many emotions all at once and that’s “normal.” During the holidays is a good time to allow yourself this pleasure. In the midst of your grief this holiday season, tell yourself – if there’s a joyous moment, I’m going to allow myself to smile and not feel guilty about it. Say to yourself, if I get a thoughtful gift from someone, I’m going to say thank you and give myself permission to be grateful in that moment. If there’s a moment in time where a laugh wants to leap out of me, I’m going to let it, appreciate it and enjoy it. It’s okay to experience joy in our pain. Again, this in no way diminishes the love that you have for your loved one.
- Different is Okay
It’s okay to do things different this year. Things may feel different, look different, or be different this year, and that’s okay. It is appropriate to create new traditions or ways of doing things if that’s what you want to do. You can update your plan and see what works; what fits. You may decide on traditions to keep, change, or add to. You might even choose to cut back from what you did in the past. Communicating with others that you’re doing things different this year or that you need help is a good idea. You are not obligated to anyone, just because you used to do it “this way.” You are allowed to change your mind or way of doing things. Maybe it’s too much shopping, do less. Maybe its better for you to skip or minimize decorations. Prioritize and don’t over commit. The truth is that you get to decide what’s best for you. You have permission to do what’s best for you.
- Other People Are Sometimes Unhelpful
Grief is a difficult journey and not everyone will understand. And even if they have been through their grief experience they still may not understand your grief journey. Sometimes with deep compassion we say the most stupid things. Ugh! Well-meaning, well-intentioned yet insensitive words dribble out of our human mouths. Words that we wish we could take back, if we knew how bad they hurt someone. But we are flawed people who make mistakes. Sometimes we may think we know better but we don’t.
I’m sorry if you’ve been hurt on your grief journey by unhelpful comments or circumstances. And in such a delicate state of grief, sometimes even kind comments feel wrong. Distancing yourself from some relationships and letting go of unhelpful comments may be a choice that’s best for you right now.
Just remember when it comes to people, we’re great at messing up. Don’t let unhelpful comments linger in your thoughts. Let them go. Do your best to give them grace in their ignorance.
The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18
Psalm 34:18
- Honor Your Loved One
If it feels right for you to do something special to honor your loved one- do it. You may decide to light a candle, share a story, or have a moment of silence in their honor. You may want to honor them privately or publically at one of the holiday parties.
During this season you may want to donate something, perhaps something that they would have liked, or even giving something away that belonged to them as a way of giving it new life and enjoyment for someone who would really love and appreciate it. Or you could fix their favorite dessert at that holiday party, just to feel a little closer to them if that’s what you choose.
One year we decided to buy memorial ornaments to add to the tree for our babies in heaven. Another year I made memorial ornaments for friends and family who had loved ones in heaven. Do what you would like and forget the rest.
In Closing
Navigating the holidays is an extra whammy to the already difficult trials of grief. I hope you find this holiday blog helpful and it empowers you in some way on your journey. If there is someone else who you think could benefit from this, please share it with them.
Many blessings to you and your family.
Much love and grace, Laurie
