If you’ve never been through grief before, its near impossible to understand much about it. Typically as a culture we like to stay away from things that cause us discomfort. But when grief comes upon us after a significant loss we may end up having a variety of emotions and multiple unanswered questions. Below are just a few thoughts and questions that may arise for you or a loved one in grief. I hope this will give you some comfort and encouragement on your journey.
- This is a place I never wanted to be. I would never choose to be here.
Grief is not something any of us want to go through. But grief is a natural human response to any significant loss. What’s a significant loss? Well, if it’s significant to you… then it qualifies as being significant. When we lose something or someone that matters to us its normal to grieve.
- I want to stop crying but can’t. I don’t want to hurt anymore, but it still hurts. I want to stop grieving – but I can’t stop it.
Unfortunately there is a process of grieving that everyone goes through and for each person it’s different. It’s natural to want to avoid pain and suffering but grief does not discriminate. The process takes as long as it takes. You have permission to grieve.
- I feel so alone. It’s like nobody remembers the loss but me.
I remember feeling like this after our miscarriages. At first people may flock to provide support or comfort but then life carries on and things get busy and we are still left in grief. Anyone who’s been through it has felt the sting of feeling alone. And its just such a delicate circumstance for people who genuinely may not know how to best support you. You may not even know what you need. But keep moving forward and I assure you, others that have walked a similar path as yours have felt this way too.
- I just laughed and had a happy moment, does that mean I didn’t love that person enough? Am I betraying them by not being sad 24/7?
When we are filled with so much sadness and sorrow its hard to imagine ever feeling any sense of joy again. But when it does happen we can sometimes feel guilty or wonder if we’re somehow betraying our loved one. So many people have experienced this and wondered if it was okay laugh or be happy. The answer is YES! You are not dishonoring your loved one because you laughed or had a moment of joy again. You can have joy and be in grief at the same time. They can exist together.
- The things I used to enjoy aren’t fun anymore.
While grieving its normal that the things that used to bring joy aren’t enjoyable anymore. You may not feel like doing anything for a period of time. And while its completely okay to take a break from what you used to do, and its your timing and decision, we shouldn’t avoid activity altogether long-term. But at some point, when you are ready you might redefine what you like now or how you want to spend your time moving forward. Loss changes us. We may not feel like the same person. So its completely okay and normal if we decide to make changes in our activities, hobbies, and such moving forward.
- Is this normal? Am I normal?
Grief is a normal human response to any significant loss. Your grief may look different than what you expected or than somebody else’s experience. But, it’s normal. There is not a cookie cutter, one size fits all- way to grieve. This is your journey and nobody else dictates what that looks like for you.
- Why did this happen? This isn’t fair.
It’s normal to question. Its normal to be angry, confused or feel multiple emotions all at the same time! But I don’t have the answer for -why. I do believe we have a God that loves us dearly, and His plan is eternal. But we won’t always understand why some things happen. And it’s “normal” to have mixed emotions and question. Let God know how you feel. I understand that it’s hard to trust when our heart hurts.
- I don’t feel God anymore; it’s like He’s not with me.
The pain of loss can be so excruciating that we may lose our sense of peace, hope, joy or feeling God close to us. This doesn’t show a lack of faith, but reveals our fragile sorrowful state. But regardless of what our feelings speak, God’s word tells us that He will never leave us; He is always with us (whether we feel Him or not.)
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.
Psalm 34:18 NLT
- “I’m okay” is what we say to the faces of people. “I’m not okay” is how we really feel.
Sometimes its just easier to avoid uncomfortable conversations with people. Especially when some people don’t really understand. It’s okay to say what you need in the moment, but don’t try to fool yourself into pretending like your okay when you’re anything but. Honor your truth and find someone to be open with whether its your private journal, an online group, or a trusted friend.
- I can’t believe they said that! That was so insensitive!
Humans get it wrong. We mess up. We are flawed. We say the wrong things with a right heart. And sometimes, in rare circumstances we just might get it right. I know the pain of unhelpful comments in grief. They sting! But holding onto unhelpful comments from someone who doesn’t understand what it’s like to be in your shoes only hurts you more. If anything this can help you see who your community needs to be at this time, and who it does not. I remember a time when I hadn’t experienced grief yet, and how can I expect for someone to know better if they’ve never been in my shoes? Do your best to let go.
- “I can’t eat” OR “I can’t stop eating!”
We can go through bouts of eating nothing at all with no appetite to eating every junky calorie laden thing in site. While temporary changes in eating may be just where we are right now, at some point we might need some help along the way to get back on track for our own health. But this too, is “normal.”
- I don’t feel like doing anything. Just getting out of bed is hard. Taking a shower is hard. Getting dressed is hard.
Grief is exhausting in every way! Emotionally, physically, mentally… EXHAUSTING! So no wonder why we don’t feel like doing anything. It occupies our minds to the point of forgetfulness. It ravages our bodies to the point of weakness. And it completely drains us emotionally. Many days we just end up going through the motions to make it through. I’m sorry to say that this is a real thing that grieving people go through. Just do the best that you can, and that will have to do at the moment. Give yourself grace as best you can.
While these are just a few thoughts or questions, by no means is this an extensive list. I hope you found comfort in knowing that you’re not alone and some encouragement on your grief journey.
