Lani “Grace” Paige Krawchuk – Born Into Heaven August 18, 2012
The Story of My Grace
Almost exactly one year later I found out that I was pregnant again. Soon after I found out, God spoke these words to me; “My grace is enough.” Again, we went through the excitement of telling the family, and they were happy for another baby. We were at a restaurant with my parents and Dan had on a neon green shirt. My mom made the comment that he was glowing. I asked her if she thought I was glowing too? What a perfect line!
Next we went over to my in-laws for my Mother- in-laws birthday dinner, the same dinner that we had announced our previous pregnancy – and later lost. We took a family photo as Danny announced that I was pregnant! It was an exciting day.
A few weeks passed, and we seemed to be doing fine.
Then, on a dreadful day, I started bleeding. I didn’t want to worry, but it was hard not to think of my last miscarriage, bleeding and all. I called the doctor and an ultrasound was scheduled. Similar to last time, very small, no heartbeat. Needless to say, I was devastated. I thought, “Are You kidding me – again?!?!” I didn’t want it to happen again but I felt strongly that it was very likely happening again.
I called my husband at work. He ended up taking off work the next day to stay home with me. The kids had just started school and were curious why Dad was staying home. I couldn’t stand their broken little hearts a second time.
I didn’t miscarry on this day, but instead, the following day. It was a Saturday. Our kids went to spend the day with their grandparents, unaware of what was going on. We didn’t want to worry them or make them sad at this point. I ended up going into the hospital that afternoon. The wait was much longer in the Emergency Room lobby this time, than before. After finally making it back to a room, I was wheeled down to the ultrasound technician. Before she could take a look I used the bathroom. I called her in, sure that my baby was in the toilet. I felt sad, yet grateful to have gotten to see the life that was in me.
It was real.
It was true.
It was mine.
“It?”… He?…She? I didn’t know???…was alive at some point inside of me!
Sure enough the ultrasound showed an empty space. It was a relatively short stay. My hopes of having another baby…shattered.
Again, I gathered our family of four together to write a post on Facebook. It was just the easiest way of telling a lot of people at once without having the awkwardness of heartbreaking news.
Yet, I was still determined that this not be focused on grief, but on God. Here is what we decided to write this time on Facebook:
Saturday, August 18, 2012 at 9 weeks along our 2nd unborn baby left this earth to be forever with Jesus. It’s hard to make sense of this happening again. Someone once wrote, “I feel at times that I have one foot in Heaven and one foot on earth.” We believe in a loving God so powerful and mighty that one day we will see our unborn children in heaven as God intended them to be. Glory be to God. Please be in prayer for my family as we suffer the loss of our unborn baby.
This second time I was definitely in a different place, emotionally. I wasn’t as “plugged in” to God as with our baby Love’s passing.
Someone who was trying to be helpful said, “I guess it wasn’t meant to be.” I wanted to feel comforted by that, but it was not comforting. I felt lost. And then God corrected that faulty comment. God told me, “No, it was meant to be forever!”
But alas what was I going to do? What did my future hold?
I was mad.
I was sad.
Until one day I felt completely and utterly numb to the world around me.
I didn’t laugh.
I didn’t cry.
I felt like I was in a hot desert. Coincidentally, this was the summer where temperatures ran over 100’ everyday, and we barely had a drop of rain. I would get up in the morning and just make it through the day. I felt like I had one foot in heaven and one on earth. I even thought maybe I just wanted to go to heaven, but couldn’t stand the thought of leaving the rest of my family behind.
Days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months. I felt like no one remembered my babies but me. A few months later in my pain and anguish I wrote a heartbreaking poem of suffering and loss. Here is the poem…
November 2012
LOST(LOSS): in Plain Sight
I gave up, too much to bear
Two babies lost, in despair
My heart and mind desperate for words once spoken
I misinterpreted my heart is broken
1 year apart; broke my heart
2 years in a row; with nothing to show
I’ve gotten older, 10 years to be exact
I’m out of shape with fat on my back
I’ve put on weight; the weight of this pain
On the scales please NO more to gain!
In my heart the passion is gone
I’ve lost my sparkle to a half-hearted yawn
I’ve fallen away from seeds of deceit
Whispers of lies and feeling defeat
Caught in a trap that started with confusion
Sadness, pity, anger and delusion
Why me Lord? Why me again?
This was what I heard from my mouth in my kitchen!
The first time You were close, holding my hand.
The second time what happened??? WHERE were you then?
Is it over for me, my childbearing years?
What is there for me to hope for – to cheer?
My days ahead look empty…and bleak.
I love my 2 kids…my heart breaks, I’m weak…
And sad for her that she wasn’t a big sister she cried
She would have been great… but I tried!
2 Times I tried. It wasn’t meant to be
I live with this daily it’s still crushing me
Nobody knows I carry this in my heart
Heavy and tired I can’t imagine a new start
It scares me to move on…to give up this dream
I don’t know how to think, to act, or to be
What am I supposed to do with my life now???
I find distractions to mask the pain.
The computer, the TV, the housework…all in vain.
I’ve tried to persevere; I’ve surrendered this dream
Only to turn around with a mirage it did seem
Why have You closed this door, LORD?
What am I to do? I cry in silence; no word.
No one hears me. No one knows.
The pain I carry. I do not show.
It’s carefully hidden deep inside.
Inside me like someone died. They did.
This death is toxic it’s slowly killing me.
I try to shake it off, hand it over, but it won’t leave me be.
I’m so alone in this…nobody remembers the pregnancies but me.
They hold me captive like a prisoner in my own body.
No wonder I’ve given up. I’m old, my body is no good.
I’m tired, worn out, a shell where once stood…
Somebody with a mission, a hope, and a dream.
Gone in a flash…after 10 years in waiting.
I’ve tried to move on…do what’s right.
No matter the feelings live in the light.
Let God’s Word take hold of my helpless situation
Divinely I hoped still no declaration.
I’ve wanted to throw in the towel, to pull out,
It’s too hard, too much, without a doubt
But I think of my kids Cade & Klein, my husband Dan
It would break my heart to abandon them
I don’t mean to sound ungrateful, They are my blessings it’s true
But am I done with just 2?
Help me move on LORD. The pain is too much to bear.
I can’t go on living like this. Losing days-unaware…
No one to care
I sit and stare
It’s not fair
I’m losing hair
Beyond repair
Where are You…Where!!!???
I do not dare…
Hope a new hope or dream another one
My heart got broken I learned my lesson
If this isn’t You Lord tell it to me.
Not through a friend of what wasn’t to be.
Take away this pain. Heal my heart now.
Find me a new dream and show me somehow.
Help me help someone else. Not die in this place.
Help me find worth not only disgrace.
May I help the human race.
A smile upon my face.
Don’t let me be a waste.
Take away- don’t leave a trace…
Of this death inside me. Hopeless, Worthless, Lost.
Am I in depression I just didn’t recognize it?
It seems hard to miss but did you disguise it?
Time gets away from me every day
There’s piles in places that just seem to stay
There’s no reason to move them to make more room
I feel empty with an empty womb
I have no energy, I always feel tired
No excitement about what’s to come; un-inspired
Give me a map. Show me some direction.
Give me some light, some protection.
Does anyone know what I’m talking about?
Do you understand – without any doubt?
Did you make it through loss, not only loved ones but dreams???
Hopes and a future coming apart at the seams???
We’re you protected and your hope restored???
Or did you sit hopeless feeling ignored?
I’m here in this place… LOST in plain sight.
Going through the motions is a daily fight.
Wanting to be close to God; to hear Him speak to me.
Surrendering my will for what was meant to be.
Wanting reassurance, of a future Master plan.
Filling my heart with a hope that I can understand.
to be continued
After talking to my daughter I realized that I wasn’t alone in this pain; she had been carrying this hurt just as much as me. She reached out and told a couple of her friends. She even wrote a paper about it. She asked me why this happened. I said, “I don’t know, maybe I’m supposed to help someone else going through this.”
It wasn’t until 6 months later that the Lord brought a revelation to my head and heart that would heal this pain of loss forever. The Lord showed me a verse in the Bible. Ecclesiastes 3:11 says, “He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also planted eternity into the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.” This verse was a revelation to my heart! A revelation is an epiphany or prophecy from God. He spoke right to my heart!
I finally felt hope!!! I knew right as the words fell on my ears that my babies were up in heaven right in that very moment and they were beautiful, perfect, alive and whole!!! And yes, this did plant eternity in my heart. And no, I don’t understand why God does everything He does. But I know that my babies are ALIVE and BEAUTIFUL in a wonderful place called HEAVEN right now!!! And that sad poem that I had written finally had a hopeful ending! Each word is true and really happened. I had a new perspective, one of hope.
poem continued…
February 11, 2013
Today, a new day, devotional with my daughter
The question was posed to look to the Father
Sometimes things are bad and too difficult to understand
But God takes the bad and holds it in His hand
He turns it to good, something useful with a purpose
Shines His light on it and now it’s not worthless
I asked her, can you think of something that’s hard or bad
Tears well up, sobbing and sad…
She says, “Mom, your miscarriages”
She’s weeping, tears flowing down her face
I hold her close, and try not to break.
I tell her I don’t know, I don’t understand this pain
Maybe I’m to help another woman going through the same
Then something happens…
Later that day I put this on Facebook for many to see
To share God’s promises through what wouldn’t be
A friend sees it, and confirms the tears we had
She said at 7:15 she sat straight up in bed
Thoughts of our lost babies up on her heart she found
Praying for us and calling all around
It hit me the next day as I quietly confess
My heart’s not healing, I’m still here in distress
Trapped in this prison of pain and fear
My daughter has been with me, my sweet little dear
That Facebook friend came to visit and help comfort me
We came up with ideas to honor my WHOLE family
My babies would be on our family wall
In statue and script with names, dates, and all
My husband, daughter, son, and I all helped include them
We made them bracelets with charms from each of us and gems.
I got to name my two babies from scripture God had given me
When I found out I was pregnant and didn’t know their destiny.
The first is
Baby Love Krawchuk – August 6, 2011
I wrote on a website about this baby’s journey to heaven
I named this baby Love because that’s the opposite of fear
And here is the verse God gave me right here:
1 John 4:18 There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear…
The second is
Baby Grace Krawchuk – August 18, 2012,
the following year,
I was caught off guard by such a loss so near.
I named this baby Grace because of the Words God spoke to me
There hasn’t been an answer, only a journey of what wouldn’t be.
And the verse God gave me seems to be a seed:
2 Corinthians 12:9 My grace is enough; it’s all you need.
I want to add something wonderful about my babies
I bet you didn’t know…
What is Love? Love is not a feeling.
I’ve learned… Love is an expression that needs to be expressed.
What is Grace? Grace is not a question with a simple answer.
I’ve learned… Grace is a journey together.
A Mom’s Journey from Loss to Found
by Laurie Krawchuk
Ecclesiastes 3:11
He has made everything beautiful in its time.
He has also planted eternity into the human heart;
yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.
MEANT TO BE…ETERNALLY.
After this revelation of Ecclesiastes the Lord impressed upon my heart to have a celebration. Our family decided to have an OPEN HOUSE and invite family, church family, and friends. Our celebration was called Now & Forever Party. As the name suggests we were celebrating life now, here on earth, and life eternally with our babies in heaven. We had 50-60 people attend! We had balloons, food and drink, & guest book…Below is a portion of what was written in our invitation cards:
As many of you know we’ve had a tough couple of years after two miscarriages almost exactly one year apart. We’ve been waiting for God to deliver grace and bring us through this time of difficulty. We have finally come to a point of healing as a family and would like to share love and grace with all of you. Please join us as we celebrate our faith forevermore with all of our family & friends! We love you and thank you for your prayers and support!
Ecclesiastes 3:11 is life to me! Hope! Joy! Life!
I believe that your sweet little joy is beautiful and in heaven with my Love and Grace. Therefore, I was called to bring you this message; I want to reassure you in – the hope of heaven.
If you haven’t done so, I want to encourage you, when you’re ready, to write out your own story. I believe every story is unique and every life is significant.
May God’s grace comfort you and heal your heart. May you be assured in the hope of heaven.
Much Love and Grace,
Laurie
The Power of God’s Grace
- When we least expect it, do nothing to deserve it, and all hope is lost, God shows up and refreshes our soul.
- Grace changes our entire perspective and being; it gives hope when all hope was lost.
