When you expect people who play a ROLE in your life to fulfill that ROLE the way you want them to, it sets you up for a fall!
Your Great Expectations have turned into Fake Expectations.
This hopeful, yet unrealistic expectation has set me up to feel like a victim, to believe I was rejected, and to destroy my sense of self-worth. I had needs. I needed to be loved in a way- that I felt loved. To be spoken to in a way – that I felt respected. For me to feel like I was loved and lovable… I needed “them” to do “these things.” And when they didn’t, wouldn’t or couldn’t it set me up for a fall! My sense of self and worth took the hit!
Have you ever wanted more in a relationship? Have you ever wished for greater connection, gentle comfort, a listening ear or encouraging words? Yeah- me too!
And all the while I kept wondering, “how come they don’t love me?” “What’s wrong with me?” “I’m being kind, I’m thoughtful and helpful and…. – so why don’t they “love” me back?
Have you ever felt like this? Have you ever wondered these “wonderings?”
And here I am, years later – just now figuring out that the problems were in my unrealistic expectations and faulty assumptions all along!
I assumed they were capable of loving me the way that I wanted. I assumed that they didn’t have their own issues or or insecurities. I assumed that their personality and experiences should have shaped them to love me the way that I wanted… I needed. I assumed they could, should and would. So then the big question is – then why weren’t they? And the only conclusion that made sense to me was- something must be wrong with me?!?
I’m not trying hard enough. Try harder. I’m not loving them enough. Love more. I’m not giving enough. Give them all you got and then give some more! Until… you have given so much of yourself that you have nothing left. Then, will that be enough?
I don’t know why all my “loving” them didn’t make them “love” me back??? But it seems like the harder I tried, the more hurt I became. Rejection is devastating. I just wanted to belong. I just wanted to be invited. Is that too much to ask? But I wasn’t on “the approved list.”
They were clearly showing me “who” they were. Clearly showing me “what” they were capable of.
But the picture in my head just wanted something different.
Something that was not them; they weren’t able to do; to deliver.
I had fake expectations. Fake: make believe, fabricated, unreal, or invented. I had conjured up a picture of who I needed them to be, so that I would feel okay about myself.
I was expecting them to complete the part of me that was lacking. Make the part of me that felt unlovable to know I was lovable. I was expecting them to fulfill their role in my life like in the TV shows, or in movies where there is happily ever after and dreams and fantasies do come true!
Each of us have a preference when it comes to how we feel most loved. If you’ve ever read The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman – you know what I mean.
I rate high on quality time and acts of service/affirmations. But gifts and physical touch – not so much. I know that you really love me when you choose to spend time with me. But if you buy me a blouse and I didn’t get invited to go shopping with you- I’ll think you’d rather not spend time with me, which means you don’t really love me. That might be a little exaggerated… but you know what I mean.
The 5 Love Languages are:
- Gifts/Tokens of Affection
- Quality Time Together
- Physical Touch
- Words of Affirmation
- Acts of Service
If you don’t know what your “love language” here is an online quiz you can take: https://www.5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/love-language
To expect a person to be what you need and not who they are is unrealistic, self-centered and damaging. It never occurred to me that what I was doing – was my problem. I only saw how there were not fulfilling the ROLE I needed them to play in my life for me to be okay.
Are you starting to get the picture now?
I’m not in this world to live up to your expectations and you’re not in this world to live up to mine.
Bruce Lee
THE SOLUTION
The Solution for Fake Great Expectations…
- Accept and love yourself completely; who you are with all your strengths and struggles.
When you are able to completely accept yourself, you won’t be perpetually expecting or looking for someone else to fulfill you. You will be satisfied within your own heart and mind. Give yourself what you hope from others. – For me it would be spending quality time (my love language) with myself, doing something that adds value to my life.
- Accept other people for who they are and how they are.
When you understand that people behave out of what they know; their unique personality, strengths and weakness, values, beliefs, experiences (good and bad)… unrelated to you – you’ll be more apt to not take it personally. You’ll see them for who they really are and let go of perfectionistic expectations. You’ll grasp that people behave out of a reflection of their own hearts – not a reflection of you.
- Love your neighbor as yourself.
The Bible talks a lot about love. And I find this verse quite fitting for this occasion. I see the point more clearly with this post in that – it’s going to be very difficult, maybe impossible to love others if we don’t first have love within ourselves. As we accept who we truly are (flaws and all), we are more willing to accept others for who they truly are (flaws and all.) Does that make sense?
The second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ No other commandment is greater than these.”
Mark 12:31 NLT
If you haven’t put it together “Great” Expectations
are really true and realistic expectations,
because they don’t set you up for a fall!
Understanding that people behave out of a reflection of their own heart not as a reflection of me has freed me from the trap of feeling like I can win or need to earn their love (desired behavior.)
But at the same time understanding that your own response is a reflection of your own heart, which should compel you to look deeper and see if you are lacking anything within yourself. Do you feel rejected? Do you feel like a victim? Are you trying to earn or win love? Do you need others to act a certain way for you to know that you are loved or lovable? These are all “you” problems. And the person who is the best and most qualified for the job- is you! There’s only one YOU! And you’ll have YOU all your life – so you better learn to LOVE her, and love her well.
I have found the greatest source of LOVE is the one who is LOVE Himself. God is love. And out of His love for me am I able to love and accept myself completely and fully. Although I haven’t entirely achieved it, I am actively working on it. It’s not too late and you’re never too old, nor young for that matter, to begin! Love and acceptance is found in Jesus Christ.
If you found this post helpful, drop me a comment- I’d love to hear from you! And please share it with someone. Thanks for taking the time!
Fully loved and accepted;
free from expectation,
Laurie
