Grief is a natural human response to any significant loss. People grieve differently. And the circumstances of losses are also different. After going through two miscarriages almost exactly a year apart, I experienced some differences in miscarriage loss in relativity to other losses. Below are a few things you may be thinking, feeling or wondering about in how to navigate through your own grief.
- Sometimes we don’t know if the baby was a boy or girl.
It’s hard to know what to call – “it” “baby (insert last name here).” It feels like another loss just not knowing whether we were carrying a he or she. Did we lose a he or she? The heartbreak of not knowing the gender is another hit to our already shattered state.
- Sometimes we didn’t have a name picked out yet.
Sometimes a name wasn’t picked out yet because it was too early in the pregnancy and we don’t have that information from the above #1. You could always pick out a gender neutral name, but that might make you feel all the more frustrated or heartbroken and confused. We did name our babies eventually. It was very helpful in moving forward in our process of healing. I would encourage you, in your timing to give this some consideration, even if its a nickname.
- We are denied a funeral.
One of the things that I treasured so much is that when my baby Breck “Love” was born into heaven my hubby and I were already dressed for a funeral of someone else. We left that funeral as I was bleeding and headed to the ER. But it was such a blessing, I thought, that we had on our dress clothes, jewelry and such as his time on this earth was done, because I knew there are not usually funerals for miscarried losses.
- We don’t have keepsakes- like a favorite outfit or toy.
Many times if its an early miscarriage we hadn’t bought anything for baby yet. And even if we had, they hadn’t gotten to wear it, or play with it. We don’t have anything to hold on to. And processing a loss with nothing in your hands is extremely heartbreaking.
- We don’t have memories and moments to look back on.
We don’t have memories and stories like most people have. We don’t have that wonderful vacation together, magical birthday experience or funny time when _ _ _ happened. This also feels like another loss; what could have been.
I fell in love with you when you were forming in my womb, now I carry you in my heart instead of my arms.
Unknown
- If we didn’t tell anyone about the pregnancy, we carry the loss and grief alone.
Many gals or couples wait to tell people. And when you wait and this happens, while you may not have to share the loss, you also don’t have the comfort and support that might have had at this time. Either way, it’s a difficult path, but I chose to tell and was thankful for the support.
- The life died inside a person; Mom.
This can be especially painful to Mom who has carried this little one inside her body. Her experience is different than the people around her. As Mama’s of miscarriage it feels more personal, he/she is a part of us and with us to this point. This is very heart-wrenching.
- Sometimes other people don’t consider it a real loss.
This one is hard to understand. But some people don’t consider it a real loss. They question if it counted. They consider the short life and discount the great love for this little one. And this is deeply deeply hurtful. But God’s word is clear that this life is recorded, scheduled… counted! I had a well-meaning person say these words to me after my miscarriage, “it wasn’t meant to be.” Later in private the Lord corrected me and said, “no, this was meant to be forever!” My babies in heaven are meant for forever is what God was telling me!!!
Your eyes looked upon my embryo, and everything was recorded in your book. The days scheduled for my formation were inscribed, even though not one of them had come yet.
Psalm 139:16 ISV
I’m sorry if you have experienced loss in your life. And I relate in possibly some of the things you’ve gone through. Either way, my heart goes out to you on your journey. I lift you up in prayer and hope for healing to come. God Bless you, your family & your dear little one or ones who were born into heaven too soon if this is your story. *Go check out my poem on the Poems & Prayers Page: From Loss to Love & Grief to Grace – my journey through miscarriage to healing.
