I suffered two miscarriages almost exactly one year apart in 2011 and 2012. Here is a poem of the painful process of from grieving my heavenly babies to revelation of their lives spent in eternity; beautiful, healthy and whole; like God always planned.
From Loss to Love & Grief to Grace by Laurie Krawchuk
I gave up, too much to bear Two babies lost, in despair My heart and mind desperate for words once spoken I misinterpreted my heart is broken 1 year apart; broke my heart 2 years in a row; with nothing to show I’ve gotten older, 10 years to be exact I’m out of shape with fat on my back I’ve put on weight; the weight of this pain On the scales please NO more to gain! In my heart the passion is gone I’ve lost my sparkle to a half-hearted yawn. I’ve fallen away from seeds of deceit Whispers of lies and feeling defeat. Caught in a trap that started with confusion Sadness, pity, anger and delusion. Why me Lord? Why me again? This was what I heard from my mouth in my kitchen! The first time You were close, holding my hand. The second time what happened??? WHERE were you then? Is it over for me, my childbearing years? What is there for me to hope for – to cheer? My days ahead look empty…and bleak. I love my 2 kids…my heart breaks, I’m weak… And sad for her that she wasn’t a big sister she cried She would have been great… but I tried! 2 Times I tried. It wasn’t meant to be I live with this daily it’s still crushing me Nobody knows I carry this in my heart Heavy and tired I can’t imagine a new start It scares me to move on…to give up this dream I don’t know how to think, to act, or to be What am I supposed to do with my life now??? I find distractions to mask the pain. The computer, the TV, the housework…all in vain. I’ve tried to persevere; I’ve surrendered this dream Only to turn around with a mirage it did seem Why have You closed this door, LORD? What am I to do? I cry in silence; no word. No one hears me. No one knows. The pain I carry. I do not show. It’s carefully hidden deep inside. Inside me like someone died. They did. This death is toxic it’s slowly killing me. I try to shake it off, hand it over, but it won’t leave me be. I’m so alone in this…nobody remembers the pregnancies but me. They hold me captive like a prisoner in my own body. No wonder I’ve given up. I’m old, my body is no good. I’m tired, worn out, a shell where once stood… Somebody with a mission, a hope, and a dream. Gone in a flash…after 10 years in waiting. I’ve tried to move on…do what’s right. No matter the feelings live in the light. Let God’s Word take hold of my helpless situation Divinely I hoped still no declaration. I’ve wanted to throw in the towel, to pull out, It’s too hard, too much, without a doubt But I think of my kids Cade & Klein, my husband Dan It would break my heart to abandon them I don’t mean to sound ungrateful, They are my blessings it’s true But am I done with just 2? Help me move on LORD. The pain is too much to bear. I can’t go on living like this. Losing days-unaware… No one to care I sit and stare It’s not fair I’m losing hair Beyond repair Where are You…Where!!!??? I do not dare… Hope a new hope or dream another one My heart got broken I learned my lesson If this isn’t You Lord tell it to me. Not through a friend of what wasn’t to be. Take away this pain. Heal my heart now. Find me a new dream and show me somehow. Help me help someone else. Not die in this place. Help me find worth not only disgrace. May I help the human race. A smile upon my face. Don’t let me be a waste. Take away- don’t leave a trace… Of this death inside me. Hopeless, Worthless, Lost. Am I in depression I just didn’t recognize it? It seems hard to miss but did you disguise it? Time gets away from me every day There’s piles in places that just seem to stay There’s no reason to move them to make more room I feel empty with an empty womb I have no energy, I always feel tired No excitement about what’s to come; un-inspired Give me a map. Show me some direction. Give me some light, some protection. Does anyone know what I’m talking about? Do you understand – without any doubt? Did you make it through loss, not only loved ones but dreams??? Hopes and a future coming apart at the seams??? We’re you protected and your hope restored??? Or did you sit hopeless feeling ignored? I’m here in this place… LOST in plain sight. Going through the motions is a daily fight. Wanting to be close to God; to hear Him speak to me. Surrendering my will for what was meant to be. Wanting reassurance, of a future Master plan. Filling my heart with a hope that I can understand. to be continued... February 11, 2013 Today, a new day, devotional with my daughter The question was posed to look to the Father Sometimes things are bad and too difficult to understand But God takes the bad and holds it in His hand He turns it to good, something useful with a purpose Shines His light on it and now it’s not worthless I asked her, can you think of something that’s hard or bad Tears well up, sobbing and sad… She says, “Mom, your miscarriages” She’s weeping, tears flowing down her face I hold her close, and try not to break. I tell her I don’t know, I don’t understand this pain Maybe I’m to help another woman going through the same Then something happens… Later that day I put this on facebook for many to see To share God’s promises through what wouldn’t be A friend sees it, and confirms the tears we had She said at 7:15 she sat straight up in bed Thoughts of our lost babies up on her heart she found Praying for us and calling all around It hit me the next day as I quietly confess My heart’s not healing, I’m still here in distress Trapped in this prison of pain and fear My daughter has been with me, my sweet little dear That facebook friend came to visit and help comfort me We came up with ideas to honor my WHOLE family My babies would be on our family wall In statue and script with names, dates, and all My husband, daughter, son, and I all helped include them We made them bracelets with charms from each of us and gems. I got to name my two babies from scripture God had given me When I found out I was pregnant and didn’t know their destiny The first is Baby Breck "Love" Kenlee Krawchuk - August 6, 2011 I wrote on a website about this baby’s journey to heaven I named this baby Love because that’s the opposite of fear And here is the verse God gave me right here: Psalm 56:11 In God I trust: I will not be afraid. and he is named after verse 1 John 4:18 No fear exists where his love is. Rather, perfect love gets rid of fear... The second is Baby Lani "Grace" Paige Krawchuk – August 18, 2012 the following year I was caught off guard by such a loss so near I named this baby Grace because of the Words God spoke to me There hasn’t been an answer only a journey of what wouldn’t be. And the verse God gave me seems to be a seed: 2 Corinthians 12:9 My grace is enough; it’s all you need. I want to add something wonderful about my babies I bet you didn’t know… What is Love? Love is not a feeling. I’ve learned… Love is an expression that needs to be expressed. And peace from God that we are eternally blessed. What is Grace? Grace is not a question with a simple answer. I’ve learned… Grace is a journey together. And it shows up in stormy weather. As my grief wouldn't leave I was left feeling numb and then God showed up with the greatest revelation! Ecclesiastes 3:11 “He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also planted eternity into the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.” At this I knew my babies were just in a different place than me they were alive, beautiful, whole and healthy! This verse completely healed my grieving heart, and now I look forward to a life not apart. MEANT TO BE…ETERNALLY.
