Breck “Love” Kenlee Krawchuk – Born Into Heaven August 6, 2011
The story before the story…
When the Lord told me that I was pregnant in 2002 (with Klein) I fell to my knees and the Holy Spirit spoke these words out of my mouth, “thank you for my boys, thank you for my sons.” Because of that, I was sure that Klein was a boy, but clearly she is not. I was more than overjoyed to have a sweet little girl!!! But the words of the Spirit put a yearning in my heart for the other boy that never came. And this other little boy wouldn’t happen until 2011. This is the story of “Love” – my perfect little boy who was born straight into Heaven.
The Story of Love
At 41 I found a lump in my breast. Typically it’s not something that I check like I should, but this one was very noticeable. I scheduled an appointment with my doctor to see about getting a mammogram.
The doctor comes in and says, “I would tell you to go get a mammogram, but I can’t because you’re pregnant.” I said, “What did you say?!?!” He said again, “You’re pregnant.” I said, “Ok, I’m probably going to ask you again and will you put that in writing for me before I leave. Wow-I can’t believe it!!!” I’ve wanted this for a while. I was happily surprised to be pregnant again. I already had a son, Cade, and daughter, Klein, but it was always in my heart to have one more, it just hadn’t happened yet.
I shared the good news with my husband, Dan, when he got home from work.
Then right away at the very beginning of this pregnancy I heard God speak something to my heart; “Do not be afraid.” “Whatever happens, He said, “Do not fear.” So I knew that whatever happened during this pregnancy I was not to be afraid.
We kept the secret from our two kids for about 2 weeks. We told them in a rhyming poem that I had written. Our family was on our way to vacation in Colorado when we stopped at IHOP Restaurant to read the poem together. We let the kids fill in the last (all caps) word in each rhyming section.
Here’s the poem:
For Cade’s 12th birthday he climbed a rock wall
But when he was little he was afraid he would FALL.
For Klein’s 8th birthday she went to the animal park
And she got a baby puppy that hardly ever BARKS.
Last year Cade’s new class thought he looked like Cole
When he was little in soccer Alex was gone and he scored a lot of GOALS.
Klein likes the store Justice, she picks out cool clothes to wear
In preschool she cut her own HAIR
Cade got a puppy when he was a little bitty boy
We named him Sammy and he likes to play with a squeaky TOY
Klein’s room used to be purple and pink on the walls
Just like when she was little and she liked to play with little DOLLS
Last year in his room Cade had Star Wars
But when he was little he had dinoSAURS
Klein has blue eyes, blond hair with just a little curl
When she was little she would say I’m a BIG GIRL
Cade now knows the word tornado
But when he was little he thought it was called a TOMATO
Klein likes animals she loved Sedalia’s State fair
When she was little to go to sleep she runs her fingers through her HAIR
Cade likes to read, late hours he does keep
When he was little bitty we would groan to fall ASLEEP
When Klein was born – she’s a girl – surprise!!
At 2 weeks old She had her pictures taken at Walmart but she wouldn’t open up her EYES
Cade was our first baby he was a beautiful baby boy
Mom and Dad was so happy he brought them great JOY
Mommy’s tummy hurt when Klein was inside
When she came out she would scream in the van when we took her for a RIDE
Someday soon everything will change
Cade and Klein are growing up helping Mom and Dad in bigger ways
Cade is a Big brother and Klein will not be the smallest one
This funny rhyme is almost done
Daddy loves Mommy and thought -one more- maybe
And now in Mommy’s tummy God gave her a little bitty
BABY!!!!
Cade cried with joy grabbing the napkins in front of him, wiping his eyes, saying, “I’m sorry”, and Klein wanted to scream with excitement, but she couldn’t because she was in a public place she said!
We had a great trip. Dan and the kids went white water rafting on the trip, but I didn’t get to go because of the pregnancy. We got back from Colorado on a Friday night.
On Sunday I made a big lunch to eat with my parents and tell them the exciting news. We handed out Colorado gifts and a “bundle of joy” picture frame. They were really confused. Cade had to clue them in. He said, “Klein’s going to be a BIG sister and I’m going to be a REALLY BIG brother!” We ate lasagna, salad, garlic bread and pie. My Mom said that she just knows its twins. She’s been having twin dreams, and she was 12 when her mom had twins, and Cade is 12-Yep-I’m having twins, according to her. Everyone was happy.
Sunday night we ate a barbeque meal with my in-laws. We were also celebrating my Mother-in-law’s birthday. We gave everyone Colorado gifts and her several gifts and the “bundle of joy” picture frame. It took a while-but they finally figured it out. They were all shocked and surprised. Pretty much disbelief, but highly excited.
We also shared with friends and family on Facebook “Baby on Board”. Many friends and family congratulated us.
Four days later I had a little spot and some discharge bleeding so I called the doctor. Just a little. But they had me come in to check. I continued to bleed a little more. They said the baby looked like 6 weeks instead of 8 weeks. Was I off on my dates? Yes, most likely, I don’t keep track, so this wasn’t alarming to me. They didn’t see a heartbeat, which can be still ok at this young stage they told me. But lets do a follow-up visit next Thursday.
Well, two days later I continued to bleed. The next morning I woke up with no tenderness in my breasts, instead I had cramping and lower back pain. This concerned me. I looked on the Internet to find many other gals with the same circumstance and everything worked out ok. I felt better after reading that.
I had cooked a lot the day before to take to a funeral at the church. Dan and Cade left early to help set up at 9:30am. Klein and I came 30 minutes later with chips, pasta salad, a sheet cake and serving platters, bowls and spoons. I continued to bleed and have more cramping and lower back pain. We visited with the family and other church friends, looked at pictures, and then sat down for the service. I began to cry, feeling emotional and my pain was bothering me too much to sit in service.
I went out to the lobby area and tried to find a comfortable position on the couch. I visited with a deacon trying to distract myself, still not feeling comfortable. The other gals said that I should go home. I didn’t think that sounded like a good idea. I would have had to drive myself in pain and then be home alone, and if the pain continued…well, it just didn’t sound like a good idea to me. I waited for service to get out. I hadn’t yet eaten that day and was starving. The deacon found a pillow for me to prop myself, but nothing helped. I finally called the doctor and was in quite a bit of pain and bleeding still.
I had a friend go get Dan from service and find someone to take our kids. Dan and I headed to the hospital emergency room. Sitting was the most uncomfortable position, so I waited in the waiting room on my knees in front of a chair, with my arms and hands propped up. We waited for 30 minutes just to get in, it was a busy Saturday. They asked me if I wanted a wheelchair, “No” I said, “I’ll walk”.
It felt as if I would have great pain and then pass blood clots. Dan thought it much to be like childbirth. We finally made it back to a room. I continued to breathe and hum to endure the pain. Dan was beside me, rubbing my back. Surprisingly, they got an IV in my right arm on the first try, which almost never happens! When I had Cade, my firstborn, they tried 8 different times and still couldn’t get it. So no anesthesia for me with Cade. Supposedly there was pain medicine in the IV but I didn’t feel any relief. I went to the bathroom a couple of times, more clots. More pain, then more clots came out.
No one was really talking to us. The ER was very busy. It was just Dan, myself, and Baby Krawchuk. As I lay in bed enduring much pain, I announced to Dan “I’m not scared”. Then I remembered those were the words God spoke to me. More pain, then… Instantaneously and simultaneously the Holy Spirit, broke out into a wailing desperate heartbroken cry of loss. And also in that moment I head the Lord say, “I have him with me, he’s in my hands.” My heart and my mind knew at that exact moment that our baby had passed on to heaven to be with the Lord. In that very instant he was no more. I cried and cried what felt like dry tears. My husband showering me with kisses. A moaning grief stricken cry of the loss of a child. Dan was kissing my forehead and holding me close.
As I regained my composure, I told Dan what had happened, it’s what he had suspected. The nurse came in asking what we needed. Giving Dan some damp washcloths, he gently wiped the black streaks of mascara tears from my face.
Then the gal who did the ultrasound came to get me. As she scanned my abdomen, there was no white shadow in sight. She showed us where the baby was supposed to be, but was no more. Only a small space where he once was. He wasn’t there. She wheeled me back to my little ER room.
The bed got put back, ready for the doctor’s exam. I asked Dan if I could get some pain killer, still enduring great pain. This time I did feel the meds kick in. Even though it didn’t take the pain away, it took the edge off, I felt a little woozy, so I could relax a bit.
Finally the doctor came in, still admitting nothing but what she was about to do. Doing a pelvic exam she told me that there was a pretty big clot at the opening and she was going to remove it. “Ok”, I said. Upon completion of the exam, she was convinced that I had lost my baby, and that is what had happened. She left the room to write me up a prescription for pain meds to take home.
The nurse, still in the room, held up a pee cup. Inside, it was quite full. The contents held what had come out of me…clots, placenta, and my baby. She asked if we would like to see and told us it would go to a lab to be examined. I said, “Yes” I would like to see. As a mother I thought that’s the least I could do – to see my own child, to at least look at him. I saw that it was a precuios gift, to be able to see him. In amongst the clots, some tissue, a fibrous looking tissue of sorts, yes,
I saw him!!!
He was real!!!
He was alive!!!
He was mine!!!
But now, he was no more.
But in heaven, I’m assured.
For now he’s in a better place-still hard to swallow.
But we will see him again; it will be in his glory.
I was left to get dressed. My husband helped clean me up. He was in a crisp black button up shirt and tan docker pants with dress shoes. Turning my silky black dress right side out he helped me put it back on. I slipped on my black heels and wiped the black mascara from under my eyes. My pearls had been tossed in my purse along with my diamond earrings that I walked in with. You see, we were dressed for a funeral that morning; we just didn’t know that it would be for our tiny baby.
As I think back on this I do see gifts along the way. In fact, the Lord allowed me to see all the blessings! We were excited to know that he was coming. I did get to see him in an ultrasound on the screen. He didn’t make me throw up like the other kids did. Lol The Lord told me that he had my baby safely in his hands when he left my body, this world. The Holy Spirit gave me a moment of grief. My husband was by my side, rubbing me, kissing me, and holding my hand. I wasn’t scared, like the Lord had prepared me. We were dressed beautifully for a funeral for our tiny little joy – which doesn’t usually happen for families of miscarriage.
The following day I called our family of four together. I wanted this to honor Baby Krawchuk and God. I didn’t want this to be about grief. We decided together what to put on Facebook and this is what we came up with:
Saturday afternoon, August 6, 2011, at 6 weeks along Baby Krawchuk went to heaven to be with his Creator. We we’re very excited to know he was coming, and we’re sad that we didn’t get to watch him grow. But we know that God has a plan and we trust in Him. Glory be to God.
I didn’t really know at this point if my baby was a boy or girl…I just kind of felt like he was a boy. And the words of the Lord sounded like Love was a boy. But a few years later it was confirmed, yes, Love is a boy.
I wasn’t sure how to move forward. I wasn’t sure whether to try again or be done.
Some very important back story…
Most of the time when we experience loss, there is great grief. But because I had made a decision months before this pregnancy I didn’t experience grief, like most people- but only blessings. And this was a miracle of God!
Here’s how it happened:
In December of 2010 I decided that I was going to chase after God, like never before, in a big way in 2011! I bought a year-long intense Bible Study by Anne Graham Lotz called Into The Word. I started in January and when Love was born into Heaven I was just over 7 months into the study. This intimate time with the Lord filled me to overflowing with so much of the Lord’s Spirit; faith, hope… and LOVE. The only time I grieved was in the Spirit, at the hospital when Love’s spirit left my body to be with his mighty Creator; God, our Heavenly Father. I was uncertain about my next chapter in life. But I was sure that I had an intense experience and perspective of all the blessings of God through Love’s short little life on earth.
What I had experienced was 1 John 4:18 NIV “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.”
God’s perfect love drove out all fear, all grief and hopelessness. I witnessed only blessings during his tiny little life. I experienced God’s perfect love, no fear. That is why I call him “Love.”
Breck “Love” Kenlee Krawchuk was born into heaven on August 6, 2011.
I pray that Love’s story brings you hope.
The hope of heaven.
The hope of looking for blessings in the midst of loss and grief.
The hope of a Heavenly Father.
The hope of being reunited one day with our tiny little joys.
The Power of God
- The power of pursuing God/His Word; making and taking time to prioritize Him fills you with all that He is – His perfect love; instead of experiencing grief, I witnessed all the blessings.
- When God speaks, pay attention; He said, “Whatever happens, do not fear.” He said that and I didn’t.
- The power of trusting God even when you don’t understand; I didn’t want this to be about grief, but His glory.
Much love and grace, Laurie
